Cloverfield

Hello all, I’ve decided that for my first review, I will review the worst movie that was ever made, Cloverfield. This is a monumental task as the English language does not have many words to express how terrible this movie was (Oddly enough, Spanish has seven hundred and fourteen of them.). I saw Cloverfield at the dollar theater, I feel as though I payed too much for it. It wrecked my date with a Ukrainian model. If you were to ask me for a list of things that could wreck a date with a Ukrainian model, it would be pretty short. In fact, I think the only thing on there would be Cloverfield. The obnoxious actor-holds-the-camera footage gave my date motion sickness, plus the movie had no plot. Typically, plotlessness is a good attribute in movies, but Cloverfield consisted of some people in an underground train station while a big pissed off monster destroys Oklahoma City. The monster is apparently invincible one of the guys girlfriends is trapped/injured by it. He stupidly fights through NYC (well, more strolls) to her apartment to find her grievously injured. She’s been impaled through the chest by a steel bar and is hanging from it. They very uncarefully lift her off of it and instead of bleeding to death she’s just fine (and in different clothing) in the next scene. Cloverfield also seems to end in the middle of the movie. After Cloverfield my date spent thirty minutes in the theater bathroom, then I had to rush her home as she still felt sick (she almost vomited in my car). While I do not recommend Cloverfield for anything that you hope to be even slightly romantic, I do recommend it to be seen as a novelty (or as a gift for someone who really pisses you off).

On of the things that really irritated me about Cloverfield was the monster. It wasn’t scary, it wasn’t cool, it wasn’t even interesting. Any of the below pictures would make a better monster.

I defy you to find something scarier than a gopher with a machine gun. It’ll pop out, shoot you and then drag your bullet filled corpse back to the underearth!

Bush is a malfunctioning robot, he could blow at any time and if he does to New York what he did to Baghdad nothing will save those terminally angry usually nonenglish speaking New Yorkers!

What did you do Ray?!?!

So… utterly… repulsive…